Setting Boundaries

From: Working With You is Killing Me: Freeing Yourself from Emotional Traps at Work

Continuing the learning:

Boundaries are lines or parameters that define territory and protect its inhabitants.
Interpersonal Boundaries are the lines or parameters that define and protect the physical, emotional, and psychological territory between individuals.

:: They are invisible and they are different from person to person.
:: Because they are imperceptible to the human eye and differ from person to person they must be communicated

The challenge is not to miss the last concept. Boundaries must be communicated. They cannot be assumed. One cannot just hope that somehow they would be absorbed by osmosis. They must be communicated in order to be a boundary that is understood by both parties.

The Concept of Unhooking

From: Working With You is Killing Me: Freeing Yourself from Emotional Traps at Work

PREMISE: If you change your reaction you can change your life.

Four essential steps to unhooking:

Unhook physically: Healthy ways of physically releasing negativity – Breath deeply, release anger; making the choice to return/engage

Unhook mentally: Looking at a difficult situation from a fresh perspective (internal version of talking yourself down from the ledge) – Take a moment to view circumstances objectively and find practical options

Unhook verbally: Focusing on your overall goal rather than stuck in the petty details – Get agreement on facts and seek resolution; avoiding the need to be right

Unhook with a business tool: Depersonalize challenging situations by providing objective ways to deal with reality - State positively what you will do going forward, develop a system, measure performance, write memo, email, etc.

Change Your Reaction

I was getting ready to check out at Barnes and Noble recently after a long stint of reading and noticed this book on the discount table: Working With You is Killing Me: Freeing Yourself from Emotional Traps at Work. Since picking it up I've not only been intrigued by it, but am also using it as a teaching tool for my weekly manager's training sessions.

“Scratch the rational surface of any company and you uncover a hotbed of emotions: people feeling anxious about performance, angry with coworkers, and misunderstood by management You find leaders who are burned out and assistants who are buried in resentment…These individuals feel trapped by their circumstances, stuck in a losing game. They’re unable to free themselves from a bad situation…They think their options are to suck it up or quit…We call the experience of being caught in an emotionally distressing situation at work as being hooked…There is a way out. You don’t necessarily kill anyone or quit your job.”

What’s the answer? If you change your reaction you can change your life.

They call the activity of changing your reaction to emotionally upsetting circumstances at work as unhooking.

More Than Loyalty

It's always a plus to have people "in your corner." They will often speak well of you, defend you and be loyal to you. How is that cultivated in the work place?

Stephen Covey in a Fast Company article says that begins by not bad-mouthing your boss.

"Be loyal to people in their absence. Then, watch how others begin having more faith and confidence in you, because they know that you won't be talking about them behind their backs."

Lessons from Bill Gates

Bill Gates, in Business @ the Speed of Thought, shares four lesson worth considering:

1. Take two "retreats" every year by leaving the office. On retreat you can recalibrate to your personal mission and values, evaluate your role fulfillment, align yourself to your goals, etc. While an extended retreat in an exotic location would be nice, there are many creative and inexpensive ways to "leave the office" (even for a short time).

2. Read books on topics that don't pertain to your business or industry. It's a great way to maintain a broad and healthy perspective.

3. Identify problems early by tracking "exceptions" to the norm. So often, we simply work under the premise of "business as usual" without clearly evaluating the state of business. It's worth taking the time to look.

4. Stop at the end of each day to analyze how well you used the time that day. So much of the day can be wasted by the "tyranny of the urgent" instead of that which is truly important and urgent.

Being a Change Agent

I have learned that systems are an essential part of a successful business. In the midst of executing the systems, it might be easy to fall into the mental trap of thinking everything is "business as usual." Yet, whether you find yourself fulfilling a task outlined in the Systems Manual or fixing an emergency problem, the best approach to take is that of being ready and willing to manage change.

Success in any environment requires flexibility and adaptability. There will be new developments, human systems advancements or challenges all of which will call for new behavioral responses. What matters is how we handle the change process itself.

Is the remedy to brace yourself for change? No...you'll never be fully ready. The answer lies in loosening up and rolling with the flow. Flexibility is an important key to being a good change agent.

Anger...Digging a Little Deeper

Let's continue the theme of anger. Besides hatred (another in-your-face form) there are other common and more subtle forms of negativity: impatience, irritation, nervousness and being "fed up" - background unhappinesses. Eckart Tolle in A New Earth, could be onto something, "Whenever you are in a negative state, there is something in you that wants the negativity, that perceives it as pleasurable, or that believes it will get you what you want."

That begs the personal development action of "noticing." We can choose to be aware of the negativity in us or brewing in us. Awareness is an important part of our personal development. It takes an intentional alertness and a willingness to truly notice what is going on inside of us and around us. It is at those critical moments that we need not see this as failure, but as real victory. We have noticed what limits us and holds us back. This is the first step toward living free.